GROUNDED

How to stay grounded when the whole world is literally, grounded. Planes sit still in uniform lines on the tarmac. Silent, solitary, grounded.

New Zealand has never felt like such an island, a safe haven. Isolated from the rest of the world, there’s a comfort in that. It makes me feel grounded.

As I sit quietly in lockdown, I feel freer than I have felt for quite some time. Feeling peaceful and grateful, I am calm in my own self with the knowledge that I am okay. I am not trying to control, this cannot be, I am relaxing with what is, whatever that might be.

Creatively, I feel more open, in contrast to being grounded, there’s a healthy artistic frenzy happening that has ignited something in me that has been asleep for a while. Dancing around the edges, I have not been my best creative self. I think I might be now.

Grounded in my ‘self’. I am happy in the feeling of that.

ALONE

Starkly alone. Aching heart and a deep seated sense of dread. Isolated for weeks, if not more. Day one, hard, horrid. Silence, people stop, life is paused in a warped time-zone. I have never felt so alone in my life.

Feeling it, letting it sit, it tries to take hold. I’m quiet, contemplative, sad, deeply sad. Panicked, I want my old life back, the one where there was a future, options, excitement. This one has a sense of doom, spiralling out of control. Where does the future lie?

Time to reflect on what was and what is, time to plan for what is and what will be. Lots of time to think, too much time. Solitary, alone.

For now there is no choice but to bear it. Day one of a sentence I don’t wish to be fucking part of, but I am, so is everybody.

TIME

Time has a value. People have values. What if someone else’s time allocation does not match your values? To consistently feel like you are at the tail end of someones priorities as time is moved around and you are expected to without question, adapt, is confusing, annoying and then gutting. It can probably be accepted for a while, but in time, feelings of frustration and neglect tear away at self worth.

Even worse is if communication is stonewalled leaving isolation and a deep feeling of despair. Choices made, leave a face slapping sense of reality and an understanding that there will never be understanding.

Stoney silence, a dark room and a sad heart.

TEST

What’s a test? It’s usually a tool to find out what you know. But it can also be a strategic move to try and find out where you really stand in an equation. It’s risky as it could mean that you discover that actually you rank pretty much at the bottom.

That happened to me tonight. I found out that I don’t mean much at all, I’m an ant, smaller than that, a pinhead, a grain of sand, a cell. I may as well be. I’m infinitesimal, minute, camouflaging into the masses, yet I’m still here and I need to be heard. I can yell but it makes no sound, I can scream but it’s silent. Again. So I’m not going to bother, my energy is conserved; for me; for once. And that feels right.

Why test?...because intrinsically I know that I mean nothing; I’m a fleeting snowstorm, unique in it’s own way, changeable, interesting. But then I’m gone, gone, gone, never to come back.

I’m a nothing <.

COMMITMENT

Gutturally you can feel commitment. Or not.

Commitment embraces the good times and the bad. Commitment is not just turning up for the party. Everyone loves a party. Commitment is also everyday life, and that’s not always pretty.

Daily life is a lonely journey in solitude. It’s hectic, there’s pressure, responsibility, tears of joy and sorrow, conversations and kisses. That’s the real stuff, life’s made of it. The test of commitment, is when someone wants both, real life and crazy times. All of it, all at once.

Commitment is not suffocation and should not to be feared, the opposite in fact. Contentment, knowledge that there’s a strong love, a life connection.

Stepping back to view the complete picture from above, setting the heart aside, is a sound idea when met with a red flag.

Dreams carry secrets and insights, perhaps clarity. So if in the conscious world it’s murky, perhaps direction lies with the subconscious.

Sleep.

APOLOGY

It takes a strong person to stand up and apologise. I admire that.

When you’re not in the wrong and no apology is forthcoming it’s so hurtful, isolating. The feeling is dejection and loneliness.

I like a person who can apologise, it says a lot. It’s a loving soul that would rather admit they were wrong than have the last say or hold the silence.

Holding silence is controlling, it’s abusive. There’s nothing loving in that. I’ve been there, it’s painfully familiar. I lose my voice entirely, get lost in space.

Silence is loud. It’s uncomfortable and lonely. I don’t like the space. At all. Yet maybe that’s where the growth is, where you not only learn about the other, but about yourself.

RED FLAGS

Sometimes red flags are sharp, like a slap to the face. So powerful that there can be no question. There’s no choice to ignore, its got your attention, and it’s not good.

It’s confusion, disbelief and sadness. A powerful wake up to reality. It’s unwelcome, has no place here, but it’s here and it’s done.

It takes time to process and it requires deep thought. Soul sensing, soul searching. Back to values, back to self.

How much am I prepared to absorb. What can I not accept. For now I’m lost in thought, I’ll be here a while...

Red flags are now white. Peace restored. For now. There’s a red halo though. Don’t ever fully let those walls down.

MELANCHOLY

I have a feeling of melancholy, I’m sad, a dull sadness type of sad. A cry in my car, dark type of sadness. A lump in my throat, constriction, I feel it and I hear it when I speak. It’s personal, weighing heavy, leaving me reflective. It’s right there, just below the surface while also so deep in my heart.

It’s a deep loneliness, at a soul level. Quiet but deafening. I sit with it. It’s uncomfortable.

I feel like a nothing, a space filler, an observer. Mute. Talking rocks the boat, so I swallow my words. For a while that’s effective, but over time it etches into my being.

Looking inwards the answers reflect back. I know my value, what I deserve, what I really need. My words go unheard, even when voiced. This causes me a lot of pain, a pattern of shutdown. I want to scream. Who will hear in the darkness and will the stars still twinkle?

So why talk when words fall flat? Sit in silence and contemplate. What’s my worth?

Melancholic. Sad.

UNIT

Unit. A measure. It’s precise and sure. A known fact.

Then there’s another type of unit, a human ‘unit’. That unit is not definite, predictable or sure, it’s spontaneous, sometimes out of control, perhaps even a little crazy.

If someone’s a unit it’s often a negative term. But it can also mean unique, difficult to describe or put into a box. That’s my sort of unit.

I have many ‘units’ in my life, I attract them, collect them, store them on a shelf and bring them out to observe. They’re complex personalities, mysteries, empaths and real souls. They surround me, sometimes sending me into a spin, adding colour to my life while muddying my already muddy waters. I take them on, intrinsically I need to help, often to my own detriment, but there’s always a rainbow.

But that’s life isn’t it? People. Units.

FACADE

With a facade is dishonesty, to oneself and others. A facade acts as a buffer, a filter, a screen, covering a mistruth. It’s not a lie, a lie is deceitful, a facade is not, it’s an act of desperation to conceal hurt. A facade is a personal portrayal, a smokescreen, betrayal. Perhaps a protection technique to deflect judgement, to hold onto the essence, childlike.

Once cavalier, I’m now more guarded and careful who I allow close. I’ll maintain distance if intuition whispers. Distance will be felt by others, I won’t conceal it, I’ll keep it real.

If I allow you close, you’ll strongly feel it, with it will be fierce loyalty and a passionate, loving heart. There will be no facade, you’ll know it’s me, my truth, and I will search for yours.

Black sheep. That’s me. Always have been. With age and experience, I’ve come to accept and value it as a gift. In a world of white ones, there’s a loneliness attached. If the situation determines, I’ll keep things simple, avoid conflict, play the game, all the while silently scream on the inside. Then when there’s finally solitude, I relax, back to myself, taking time to regroup, recentre, rebalance.

I am real in a harsh world with people that are so often not. Some people cannot be deleted from my life, so I create a facade, a mosaic.

Then when I finally escape, I come back to me, my being, my values, my people. And with it, the most beautiful thing.

SELF

Self is the only constant. Impossible to escape or reject, its the only constant companion. Be a person that you actually like and admire. To be imprisoned with someone that you neither like or respect would be a living (and sleeping) hell.

To reflect and question oneself leads to personal growth. Be the sort of person that evolves and most importantly be kind and treat both yourself and others well.

Having been on the receiving end of some crazy, unkind and vindictive behaviour for an extended period of time, it’s debilitating. What sense of self has the other person and how much must their system be poisoned? Still learning, I am improving my ability to deflect what is mainly subtle manipulative psychological abuse.

I come back to ‘self’, my core values, morals and the way that I want to live my life. I choose to visualise a glass cylinder around me which keeps me safe. I make the choice to disallow this negative energy to affect all the positive things in my life. And there are many.

I like my ‘self’. I get a little lost sometimes but I always find my way back as my inherent values and sense of who I am are strong.

LET GO

To contemplate is to sit back, to allow time to move slowly. It’s a depth of thought, detached from outcomes, a letting go.

To hold so tight to the things that create the most joy, can destroy them. To relax the hold, sets them free. There’s no guarantee that they will not become so out of reach or disappear altogether but strangling a thing, person or a situation is controlling and will cause inevitable death anyway. So let go.

Letting go is painful but also freeing, it puts you first in your world, acknowledging your being as the essence, not some love drug that’s momentary, causing highs and lows, but you, the constant.

It’s a strange irony that a feeling of being let go or given space, causes a reaction that tightens your grip. Push and pull power play, it’s gone, you want it, it’s there, you don’t. Acknowledge what you want, what you need, peacefully, in your own space, without the ups and downs, minus the fog.

Quietly, let go.

GREEN

Green is the colour of grass and envy. One is comforting, lay on your back and stare at the clouds, comforting. The other looks outwards with negativity and seethingy draws the energy inwards. One is content and free while the other festers with caged rage.

Sideline envy can be harmless but enraged envy is toxic and extremely unpredictable and damaging. I know that to be on the receiving end of it is confusing, draining and frightening. It’s palpable, worn on the skin, creating an aura, a very unpleasant one. The energy fields are raw, red hot and angry.

There’s nothing anchored or centred about a person with overwhelming envy. There’s nothing spiritual or loving just hatred and greed. This type of envy is repellent, it can’t be concealed, it’s there, right there, no, right, right there.

Envy lies with the person, their deep feeling of inadequacy. It’s not about you, what you have, that they want. It’s about them, it’s ugly.

Green, just in terms of a colour, is not one of my favourite colours at all. It’s association with envy makes it even less likeable. That and the incredible hulk.

I will be keeping green at a distance, and the envy ridden arse.

GREY

I love grey. It’s a diverse colour, it sets a mood, some may think a sad mood, and yes, it can be, but also a sense of calm and serene. That’s how it makes me feel and it surrounds me right now. It’s been subconscious, I’ve just realised. The art I’m creating is all grey, I prefer my images to be grey, I like to wear grey and I like to see it on others. Winter’s coming and with it will be a lot of grey. I welcome it.

Black and white combine to make grey. Two strong definite colours joined. Grey is not just a haphazard combination, it’s a colour of it’s own. It takes the harshness out of black and white.

Grey. Grey doesn’t need hype and attention, it sits in the background. I like it. It has poise and class and dignity. It is no nonsense, it watches calmly, offers thoughts as needed, gently guides. There’s no pressure with grey, there’s no need, grey is not needy, it know what it is. Grey’s solid but also a soft place to fall, comforting.

Out of all the colours, I choose grey and grey chooses me.

ROCK

What’s a rock? Well it’s solid, obviously. It’s unusual in shape, one of a kind, it’s not going anywhere. It bares weight, it’s important, it commands attention either quietly or more overt, it’s significant, always there to fall back on. Never take advantage of the rocks in your life.

The number of true rocks in my life can be counted on one hand over a lifetime. There’s been a couple of fake ones, shrouded by all the capabilities of a rock, gutting in the long run.

One rock of mine is so solid it almost creates paralysis. It’s robust, dependable, crushes my spirit and sometimes I allow it. There’s such a lifelong pattern that’s so familiar yet so uncomfortable with me, who I am, and my life, yet it’s been there so long and I have so much love for it that I can never turn my back on it. Not ever. I just have to find ways to manage it with the person that I have become.

There’s another rock, it’s rock solid, knows all there is to know about me, every flaw, every twist, every turn and yet it’s still there, super strong, and will be for life. I adore this rock, it knows what I’m thinking before I do, it contacts me when it intuitively knows I’m in pain, it’s felt it first. I’m sure we have met before. No doubt. We’ve laughed, so very hard, pee your pants type laughing, but we’ve also cried. Buckets.

There’s another two rocks, they have my back for life. They accept my quirks, appreciate the humour, even when it purposely crosses the line and love me for me. At my darkest points, these two have been there, every time, first. And my god do we laugh.

There’s a new rock, well, about 6 years old. It’s grounded, has taught me so many life lessons. So wise, this rock, definitely been here before. Life’s been dark, but this rock has navigated through it. Inspiring, on every level. They’ve met their soul-mate and I could not be happier for them.

There, 5 rocks. There’s been others but these 5 are it for me. Lifelong angels.

LIMITS

Everyone has their limits. Those limits are not realised until faced with monumental challenge. That’s when true limits are realised.

I’ve hit my limit.

As a direct result of a massive life change, I’ve been faced with a situation. It’s very real, leaving someone very close deeply, deeply troubled. I have navigated this person in every single way possible. I’ve exhausted all tools and have hit my limit. With nothing left, I’m empty, flat, exasperated, frustrated and unable to deal with it anymore. I need boundaries, change and most of all a handover to the person that’s responsible for this. I’ve expired, entirely. It’s not my energy to give now.

Back to anchors, I’m off course. My anchors: authenticity, balance. My authentic self tells me things are askew. Excessive energy expended in the wrong directions. Balance is required. Others have to take responsibility for their own thoughts and actions. It’s not on me. But this person will always need me, and I will always be there.

There does come a point, and it creeps up, when there’s the realisation that it’s gone too far, limits are now behind you, in your wake. At the expense of yourself, you’ve run yourself down. Almost at the point of no return. Return, Quickly. Don’t just return to the start point, go further, there needs to be a buffer, boundaries, not to tower over you, but hold you firm. Get back to that.

Negative zero energy equals negative zero you. Identify limits ahead of you before they are behind. Boundaries.

FREE SPIRIT

Don’t control a free spirit, in fact don’t control anything, particularly a free spirit. Why would you, they can’t be contained and neither they should be. They’re free flowing, content and relaxed and often the envy of others despite their judgement. Life’s a breeze, a gentle one, when it becomes stronger, a free spirit, glides along effortlessly. Anyway, that’s how it seems, cool rivers run deep and what you see is a fraction of what lies beneath. It’s worth finding out, there’s a lot to know, a lot to learn, and a lot to love.

Free souls are content to fly solo, they don’t need others for energy. They live by their own rules and are unaffected by judgement and expectation. Highly instinctual and intuitive, a free spirit will go where the mood or feeling takes them.

Those close to a free spirit may feel dissatisfied, confused and secondary. Unimportant. The needs and desires of a free spirit will always come first, always. Fit in or fuck off. The attraction will be intense as a free spirit is both magnetic and unpredictable. I’ll have some of that. Put your own needs second, you will never come first to them. So be first to yourself.

Free spirits are often preoccupied and distracted, creative daydreamers. They are elsewhere, never fully present, as much as you crave that. They’re not capable of it, or are they? They choose imagination over you, lost in fantasy and wonderful thoughts.

A free spirit. The most beautiful thing if you take the time, but put yourself first for you.

CONDITIONAL LOVE

True love is unconditional, zero expectation. It’s a wholehearted love, adoration, unselfish.

Unconditional love about communication. If you love someone truly, and if you’re a good person, then you want to see the other person happy and flourishing, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Communication is kind and lacks judgement. There’s no room for mind games, no time to withhold how you feel, no space to create doubt in the other. It’s about honest and transparent communication of feelings, the alternative is about control.

Unconditional love is not complete without self-love. Security and self belief are a good foundation to love another. It means you’re already whole and don’t need to take from another to feel good. It’s loving someone deeply for who they are, not for what they do for you.

Conditional love waits for a return. It leads to resentment, bitterness and disappointment if expectations are not met, unattractive qualities.

Conditional ‘love’ is not love in my eyes. Conditions mean control and control is not a way to love. Control is dissatisfaction, it’s a desire for change, manipulation and that’s a warped type of love. Manipulation is abusive, it plays with another soul, it’s confusing and isolating. NOT love.

Conditional love is not love. Unconditional love is where it’s at.

DELETE

I came across this today. The image perfectly aligned with my last 24 hours. How more appropriate could you get. It’s a sign, well maybe not, but I saw it and it spoke to me. Fuck off it said.

Yesterday I said no more, I’m done, the tipping point for boundaries and action. It’s been a long time coming. Far to many chances have been given, at my detriment, leaving me pretty low, especially in the last day. I’m taking back my power, pushing toxic energy far outside my boundaries. Blocked. Deleted.

It left me turning back to myself, quietly reflecting, thoughtfully thinking. The decision was a total no brainer, it actually wasn’t a decision, a non decision. I was left thinking deeply about other parts of my life. What was I willing to accept? It left me still, devoid of conversation. The only conversation I needed to have was with myself and it was a serious one.

With a busy, disturbed mind, sleep didn’t come easy last night. I realised how completely over it I am and I felt relief that this was not going to continue. So as the sun came up, I welcomed the new day, relieved all pressure from myself other than what was critical.

Silence is bliss and I have a whole lot more of that to look forward to. Finally.

EMPATH

Empathy is a beautiful human trait. It’s one of the things that sets us apart from other animals. Some people lack empathy, it’s missing in action. Particularly narcissists. Narcissists have a severe lack of empathy. It can sometimes be disguised as apparently empathy can be learned. But it’s easy to spot if you know the signs, complete ambidexterity.

Empaths take sensitivity to the extreme, sensing energy and absorbing it, resulting in sensory overload. Emotions are felt extremely deeply, both personally and for others. Boundaries are critical so as to avoid absorbing others stress and pain and taking on emotions as their own. Not an easy ask when intuitively empaths are drawn to energies.

Some empaths are highly spiritual and intuitive. Intuition is a gift. We all have it to varying degrees. Some choose to ignore it. More fool them. Intuition is a great informer and protector. It can be hard to hear, quietly murmuring, or in my case, screaming obscenities after being ignored for so long. Listen.

Intuitive empaths are also adept at knowing if someone is lying or being truthful. It’s like they have laser vision and can see inside your head. They’re likely to avoid confrontation with their findings, as they care and feel too deeply. Empaths can read people and situations, identify issues between people, pick up on subtle energies. Note - Particularly interesting at a party with couples who have been together a long time.

Empath, a wonderful gift, but with conditions.