UNEASE

Unease, Uneasy. That awful feeling deep in your gut that doesn’t feel right. It feels like the beginning of panic, taking the mind on an unwelcome journey. It’s an uncomfortable feeling, restlessness.

Disease. Dis-ease. If unease means ‘anxiety’ and ‘discontent’ then it’s little wonder that those constant emotions make you sick. Too much negative emotion will fire up adrenalin, deplete the body and lead to exhaustion. The sickness can be as much mental as physical. It’s the mental fatigue that troubles the soul, and that’s where the greatest impact will be had.

The cause of unease is never a mystery. The answer will be lying just below the surface, perhaps in the periphery. It might be tangible, or a feeling caused by a trigger today of an experience yesterday. Therefore not all sense of unease is is related to the present day, it could be triggered from a memory.

Memories can be wonderful, allowing special times to be enjoyed again. Sometimes it’s an image, a feeling, a song, a smell, taking you back to another lifetime, or so it seems. Conversely, a memory can be dark, chaotic or intense and the emotions can be challenging. The key is to embrace the memories for what they are, as they arise, no matter how uncomfortable. They’ve resurfaced for a reason and could be there as a lesson. Tune in.

Identify unease, make friends with it, understand it, move through it and learn from it. Then with love, let it go.

GRATITUDE

One big ugly life change that’s opened up my eyes and my world. For that, I feel so much gratitude.

Prior, I was blinkered, settling for less, existing. Struggling, hoping, muted. The world was grey, blurred. I was hollow and sad. Soul tired.

When a life change was upon me, I embraced it as best I could. I made choices, healthy ones, and set my sights on moving forward, very slowly at first. It was hard, very hard but I hung onto small glimpses of hope and light.

Those shining, fleeting moments carried me forward. When opportunities were presented, even big daunting ones, I quietly said yes. Those yes moments have brought me to today, and I could not be more proud of how far I have come.

The new me has traces of the old but the new Kara is confident and brave. The new me has healthy boundaries and an intuitive heart that knows instinctively who to let in, and who to lovingly leave out.

Today I notice the small things, and appreciate them for what they are. I don’t miss the signs when they’re there, and there have been many. Signs that tell me I’m on the right path. People that have come into my life at the right time, special people, significant. Opportunities that have presented, both little and massive.

Gratitude, I am grateful that I have been through both the worst and the best year of my life.

SECRETS

Secrets are for kids. If only that were true. Adults are bigger than kids, and sadly, so can the secrets be.

‘Secret’ sounds quite innocent, almost fun, something a little naughty but in a good way. Then there’s the kind of secret that really should be called another name, deception. Those types of secrets are an ugly cloud of deceit, dishonesty and disrespect. They are the kinds of secrets that grow and escalate, hurt people, hurt families and destroy lives.

Feeling the depth of despair after uncovering a secret of magnitude is unbearable. Life becomes pin prick tiny, simple, black and white. Your capacity to focus narrows, your world slows down to almost a standstill while the rest of the world continues at pace. It’s disorientating and alienating. Lonely. It casts black shadows on all of your life, outlines fade. Trust. Broken.

Once trust is broken that’s it. What’s left after that? Nothing. Yeah sure there’s the memories and perhaps lost dreams, but even they’re tainted, tainted with the darkness that secrets and deceit leave in their wake. I struggle to see how things can align again. Personally I would always second guess, it would lead to vulnerability and insecurity. Vulnerability can be endearing but insecurity certainly is not.

For the person holding the secret, they may build up resentment to justify actions, become critical, irritable and aggressive. That was certainly my experience being on the receiving end. Once revealed, there was denial and than attempts to rationalise the lies. The cover-up was worse than the violations, just.

So, secrets. Don’t. Just don’t.

AVOIDANCE

There’s a cost to avoidance. A fallout. Although it may provide temporary relief, in the long term it creates carnage.

When ignoring, avoiding and disrespecting your own personal values and anchors, you’re in a storm, swept out to sea, vulnerable. Some people never find their way back, set out on a path of self destruction. Avoidance can manifest itself into a cluster fuck of epic proportions, a big knarly tangled mess. 

That’s extreme. The extreme end of the scale. Avoidance is normal, to not want to confront things that are uncomfortable or foreign. But isn’t that where growth lies? Something that makes you want to run, could be the one thing that you really need. Turn around and give it your time, assess it, walk toward it, contemplate and work with the gifts being shown to you. Then if necessary, walk away for a while, but come back, come back and address it. That’s if it’s worth your time and energy.

Avoiding intuition is difficult as your gut knows, and so does your soul. At the heart of intuition, there’s truth, a crystal clear truth. It’s still a choice whether to see crystal clear or sea fog, to stay anchored or drift out to sea. 

Avoidance can be a show of weakness, a weakness of character. It can also be a sign of arrogance, to rise above and choose to ignore that which is not worthy. It can be a temporary state, a process, to avoid, take time, then come back in a strong position. Strong does not mean cold, but with an open heart, a willingness and desire to communicate.

Avoidance is escapism, hiding out, not communicating, internalising. With silence, comes pain. Avoidance is losing your voice swallowing your speech, running. Avoid long-term and it will chip away, piece by piece at your values, setting you off course, away from the anchor, out to sea. 

Avoidance will cost you - it will cost you your truth.

PRIORITIES

Priorities can be instinctive, a gut feeling on the order of how things should be categorised. Equally they can be a choice, a decision on which order to place emphasis. Being true to your intrinsic values will inform which priorities are to have focus which makes it complex when trying to understand why others place weight on certain priorities.

What does it say about you, your values, self esteem and self worth if you consistently allow yourself to be a low priority in either your own or someone else’s life?

That gnawing gut feeling of not being a priority in someone elses world is a daunting emotion to process, especially when you desire to be. It sits in the pit of your stomach, making you feel light-headed and sad. It can be set aside mentally and emotionally, however over time the cumulative effect starts to hurt deeply and eventually words need to be spoken.

Finding your voice is challenging when the preference is to avoid anything that might remotely feel or lead to confrontation. Part of my journey is to find my words and use them, not silence them, and my feelings, as I’ve done painfully in the past. Admittedly it will often take me time to speak out, as I question my feelings and thoughts, meanwhile suffering the consequences silently. But I’m starting to speak and I need to be heard.

If you find yourself on the receiving end of me questioning where I sit with your priorities, please know that I’ve felt sad and gutted many times and it’s taken a lot to speak. I hope you can listen and encourage me and then hold my hand, and carefully, gently, encourage speech and conversation. It does not mean that my thoughts are accurate, nor does it mean that you have done anything wrong, it just means that there needs to be a conversation about how to move forward lovingly. I’m only just learning to use my voice, please be patient and kind and talk to me so I can dream tonight xx

INTUITION

Intuition can be an intense inner feeling of knowing. Often it won’t make sense as it operates between conscious and unconscious thought so pay attention to your dreams.

It doesn’t tell you what you want to hear but rather what you need to hear. It can be a deep gut feeling, a sense, a feeling of knowing that can’t be explained, something doesn’t feel quite right, listen. It can be a whisper or a scream. I am accustomed to the whisper, it’s reassuring. I’ve also had volume and I’ve tried to ignore it, it was very unsettling and I wasn’t open to it, I didn’t want to know. In the end, intuition was accurate resulting in a massive life change. Pay attention, always.

I had physical signs too, repetitive things happened that could not be cast off as coincidence. There were strong visual signals, not surprising given that I connect best with imagery. They threw me off course, but I attempted to provide myself with explanations and hastily tried to store them away out of sight. Those images played on my mind and I revisited them often, not by choice, again quickly moving them out of my thoughts as soon as they entered.

The feeling can be intense because in your heart and gut you know that something is wrong, there’s an overwhelming feeling of danger. It can also be the opposite, a warm feeling of inner peace because you know it’s all going to be okay. Some people see or hear things and others feel them.

Being present filters out distraction, making it easier and clearer to listen to intuition. So clear the life clutter, sit still and quiet and listen.

SOUL-MATE

Soul-mate love. Bohemian Rhapsody. A deep connection between Freddie Mercury and Mary Austin. Moving, emotive, leaving me tearful a few times. Ultimately could not be together in every but their profound love lasted an entire lifetime. Of his passing Austin said that she lost somebody she thought of as her eternal love.

I question what soul-mate love actually means. Freddie and Mary both went on to have other important love connections but no-one compared despite the absence of romantic love. Deep soul connection is just that, a connection of the soul and it can take different forms.

Dictionary.com describes soul-mate as ‘a person with whom one has a strong affinity, shared values and tastes, and often a romantic bond’. That sounds too light and clinical to me, not important enough.

I believe soul-mates don’t have a choice, there's a magnetic attraction that’s undeniable and to walk away would be unfatomable. Soul-mate paths have crossed before, once, or many times. Souls meet at the right time. Soul-mates care deeply for the happiness of the other, feeling each other’s emotions, reading silent thoughts. Soul-mates know each others negatives and love them anyway. Life goals are shared, as are values and ethics, and differences are celebrated. Soul-mates that also have a deep romantic connection have each other in their entirety.

That’s more like it. Soul-mate. Perhaps the most beautiful thing if you are touched by it. No, definitely.

ANXIETY

Just the thought of anxiety leaves me cold. Anxiety, impending doom.

Anxiety can be a positive as it’s a sign that you’ve moved away from personal anchors and are adrift. The feeling of deep discomfort, panic, fear and uneasiness is a signal to recognise the triggers which in turn allows the opportunity to take some action.

A lot of my anxiety is brought about by self talk or situational interpretation. I recognise that self talk can be counter-productive and that my perception can be just that, perception. It’s dangerous to over-think and rapidly decide an outcome. Most of the time, when the situation unfolds or all the pieces are put together, the reality is quite different. Meanwhile stress and anxiety have crept in, creating paralysis and unnecessary internal angst.

I’ve learnt is to detach from outcomes, be patient and allow things to unfold naturally, to take their time. In the interim, get busy, stay distracted, be productive and most of all be kind. Be kind to you.

The ridiculous pace of life and the pressures of trying to be everything and do everything leads not only to exhaustion, but also the grim feeling of being overwhelmed which creates paralysis and an inability to prioritise. Being overwhelmed feels like being in a tunnel with the walls rapidly closing in.

Nature, for me it’s water if I can get near it, it’s beneficial and reminds me to breathe. Breathing is the foundation of life and so much of life is spent shallow breathing as stress and anxiety take hold. Deep breathe, concentrate on the rhythm of breath, it’s repetitious, basic and soothing and pulls you back to the now. Looking too far ahead can be daunting.

Simplicity. Keeping things simple, keeping them light, appreciating the small things, even the mundane and being grateful. This can take you away from anxiety, anxiety is heavy and dull, noticing the small things is basic and free.

Breathe in alignment, breathe out anxiety.

ANCHORS

Anchor. Anchoring. Stability. A sense of being grounded. To be grounded is self-belief and a trust in personal values. Without values, you’re adrift, off course. Values provide centredness, holding you steady.

Values are an inner gauge to direct behaviours and attitudes. They’re intuitive and operate in the background. There are endless values, here are my top 5; authenticity, balance, compassion, contribution and kindness.

Authenticity is being genuine and real, true to yourself. Balance is leading a centred life, keeping all parts in harmony. Compassion is about being a good person, offering a loving heart and understanding another person at a soul level, without judgement or expectation. Contribution is giving back, understanding that you are part of a whole. Kindness is concern and consideration for others and their circumstances. If you can be anything, absolutely be kind.

These 5 values form my anchor, bringing me back to me intrinsically, sending signals when things are askew. The only one to be truly relied upon, is yourself. The only one that can be moulded and changed, is yourself. The only one who will always be a constant, is yourself. Me, my anchor.

Water allures me, it’s a gravitational pull that’s always touched my soul and left me happiest, it’s around water that I feel most ‘grounded’. There’s a special electrical energy present in the ground. When grounded, it leaves you centred, strong and balanced. I feel at my most grounded around water.

Grounded. Anchored. Held firm, not tight, slightly adrift. That’s me.

HIRAETH

I was unaware that there was a word to describe this, but there is, Hiraeth It’s the feeling of homesickness and nostalgia that overwhelms me at times. The feeling pulls deeply, leaves me sad, seems to tug at memories and reveals small snapshots that can’t be made sense of. It’s confusing. It’s a feeling of displacement, not belonging, a yearning for another place.

It’s also believed that it could be a longing to be where your spirit lives. That place might not be a physical location, but nostalgic, not a place but a time, a memory. Or maybe it’s an imaginary place, a place visited in dreams and daydreams.

Whatever it is, it’s worth sitting with and trying to understand, there has to be some rationale for a pining heart. I believe it’s a longing of the soul, whether for an imaginary or real place or time, I don’t know but I do think it’s a lost soul because it’s such a deep pull.

Lost souls are restless, searching, hoping. Mine is one of them. So it’s no surprise that I experience intense feelings of nostalgia and longing. I’ve come to understand mine as a sense of being an observer, sitting alongside or above situations, looking on or down, uninvolved, detached. Sometimes it feels like slow motion, a lot of the time things seem so irrelevant and trivial.

Often I daydream, take myself elsewhere, fade away from a scene, get lost in imagination, think about things that embrace me. Perhaps that’s part of a creative mind, my mind is very busy, it doesn’t switch off, it inquires, searches, questions pose more questions and my mind searches through images for answers.

So there it is, Hiraeth, a strange sounding word to describe my feelings of homesickness and nostalgia.

COMMUNICATION

When I consider communication, it’s a lack of communication, in-particular, silent treatment, that’s of significance to me.

I can’t do silent treatment. At all. I’ll never deliver silent treatment and being on the receiving end of it impacts me greatly. It’s most definitely a strong trigger point and here’s why.

I’d been on the receiving end of the silent treatment game for years. It was so ingrained that I came to expect it. I knew that one false move and that was it, silent. For days. It wasn’t an act of love, quite the opposite, it was calculated control, passive aggressive.

The aim was to claim power over me, my feelings were irrelevant. I was told that my feelings were just feelings and not real, that I lived in a fantasy-land. Gas lighting.

The result was confusion, isolation, rejection, loneliness and at times, despair. It attacked my self-worth and self-esteem, left me questioning and doubting myself, ate away at my core. I experienced dissociation and displacement. Brain freeze. It affected my ability to think and process and make sense of the world around me.

Others saw it in me. They commented on it, on my face and demeanour, that I had retreated and my mind was often daydreaming elsewhere. Escaping. Still I said nothing. I was ‘fine’, conditioned to not speak the truth, keep the secret.

My own speech was affected, words were withheld, swallowed, creating a lump in my throat that was audible when I did try to speak. I wondered who would want to hear it anyway.

I carry these experiences with me, they are historical but they had a huge toll. I identify it, I know the cues when this is triggered in my new life and I deal with confrontation immediately, resole problems and drama. I ask for communication, use my words.

Don’t ignore me or disregard my feelings, show compassion, talk to me. Communicate.

Finally, I will never go to sleep silenced. Everyone deserves a peaceful sleep. Including me.

DREAMS

Passions and dreams. Daydream images. At least they were. Now they’re real. Why now? I’ve decided. My dreams have been there forever, I know them well, I always have, but have never given them life. Those intangible dreams will be no longer.

My time’s now, I sense that deeply. As I try to determine what it is about now that means it’s right, it’s clear that it’s because my life has been turned on its head. Colours have altered, shapes have morphed, unrecognisable, and that’s a good thing. There’s more fluidity, I’m embracing both the dramatic change and the subtle shifts. Change is not going to ‘happen’ to me, I am going to respond and adjust to what intuitive directions I‘d like to go.

With strong intuition accompanying me through life, I’ve allowed instinct to dim, chosen to neglect it, turning away and taking small glances back. Its difficult to ignore, volume increases, until it’s deafening. That was my experience anyway. Living towards your dreams is listening, hearing that deep part of your soul that speaks so calmly but surely. It knows the way.

Glancing back, there were vivid signs, which I questioned and cast off as coincidence. In hindsight they were huge rainbow flags that I had lost my way, and the signs showed me clearly why.

I’m stronger, happier and more confident than I have been for a very long time, creating the perfect opportunity to pursue my dreams with the imagination I had as a little girl, when everything felt possible. My dreams are centred around my craving to create, a whole collection of genres, and I want to explore all of them without limitation.

Alongside creativity is exploration. Travel. My dreams include extensive journeying to far flung places to fuel imagination, to broaden the story. Purpose. There has to be purpose. Contribution. What can I add while away and what can that translate to once home?

So there it is, pretty simple, creating, travelling, contributing. My dreams x

LOVE

This one has challenged me and it’s been revisited many times. Provide another topic and I can work it but this one, not easy. Perhaps that means it’s my subject, that it’s the one I need to pen. Is it because it’s so broad? Or maybe because there are so many types of love and I need to focus on one. I dunno.

Expectations. Real love does not have them, apparently. I embrace those I love, and they feel it. Although ‘nice’ to be reciprocated, real love should be minus expectation. Individual love is demonstrated differently from person to person and that‘s where complexity lies, and miscommunication, and heartache.

I think true love is loving someone so completely that you don’t want to change a thing about them. Understanding and seeing what makes them so intrinsically beautiful and letting it be. Intrinsic beauty is difficult to define but for me it’s an inner confidence, an authentic sense of self, a calm centredness, an honesty of self, a vulnerability.

Loving someone is holding them firmly, yet lightly without pressure, letting their soul breathe. Love is extending hand and heart. Real love is that feeling deep, deep in your soul. Its a feeling of knowing, almost nostalgic, of having being here before. It’s not a new feeling, it’s an old world feeling of perhaps paths crossed or previous lives shared. It’s white and gold, floaty and precious. It’s not to be shared, it’s you and them, there’s no room for more, it’s a magnetism, you can’t walk away. And you don’t want to.

It’s wanting the world for them. It’s a desire to help towards potential while not intruding or suffocating. It’s about giving space while being right there.

Soulmate love is undeniable and I for one have only felt it once. Is it something only felt once in a lifetime?

BOUNDARIES

Boundary setting is most definitely not a strong point of mine. I can be a straight shooter but will often avoid setting boundaries to avert conflict. Situations escalate and then become too big to impose boundaries. Then there’s a decision, continue to participate or leave. Leaving causes confusion to the boundary encroacher as there is no awareness of a problem. My growth lies in setting firm boundaries from the outset that are apparent to others, so apparent in fact that they are crystal clear.

That gut feeling in my stomach when boundaries have been crossed, the feeling of frustration and that lump in my throat when I hang onto words, speechless. The lump in my throat is audible when I speak, it causes constriction, making breathing difficult. I’m determined to find my voice again, and use it, not hang onto words in an effort to keep the peace. I promise myself to find the best way I can to say what I feel in a kind and healthy way and that means finding my voice and courageously using it.

Self-respect. Self-worth. Preserving the essence of who I am, only allowing those worthy to cross that invisible line. Some will never accept my boundaries, some will be unsupportive, that’s with them. Accept my boundaries or move on. Ta ra.

JUDGEMENT

Living life authentically leads to personal freedom. I believe that living a free life is truly listening to your inner soul and responding.

What has personally crippled me is judgement. Judgement, if I choose to listen, crushes my soul. But living a life where judgement has always been an underlying and even an overarching constant is hard to ignore. I choose not to listen anymore.

I am saying no more to judgement. Judgement has inhibited my decisions, cast self doubt, killed my confidence, dimmed my creativity and left me deeply sad so many times. I identify it, and I’m going to change some lifetime relationships and enforce some boundaries. I can’t be truly me with that judgement following me.

I want to live life with my priorities sorted. Life’s completely about being a good person, about treasuring those special people in life and holding them close. It’s also about letting go, letting go of toxic energy and unhealthy minded people, just breathing out and quietly letting them go, not with hate, not with anything, just saying goodbye. Not looking back, perhaps glancing, but only momentarily to reflect, then looking forward again where the real energy is.

I believe in real love, not absent-minded lust but true, deep love, soul mate stuff...‘I’ve met you before, I’m so sure of it’. The sort of love that hurts, that leaves you wondering what it’s all been about before. Deep feelings that resonate with your soul. The feeling of meeting someone so perfect for you that you can’t believe you have waited this long, where have they been all your life? The sort of person that is so intrinsically beautiful that you can’t help but love them and want them to be all they can be without wanting to change a thing about them. True love.

Life is for living, I have so many passions and dreams that can’t wait any longer. Yeah sure many of them have always been there and I’ve moved in the direction of them at times to varying degrees, but not for so many years have I actually felt that huge desire as I do. I’m not waiting anymore and that’s why boundaries are being set and I’m saying a firm NO to judgement.