APOLOGY

It takes a strong person to stand up and apologise. I admire that.

When you’re not in the wrong and no apology is forthcoming it’s so hurtful, isolating. The feeling is dejection and loneliness.

I like a person who can apologise, it says a lot. It’s a loving soul that would rather admit they were wrong than have the last say or hold the silence.

Holding silence is controlling, it’s abusive. There’s nothing loving in that. I’ve been there, it’s painfully familiar. I lose my voice entirely, get lost in space.

Silence is loud. It’s uncomfortable and lonely. I don’t like the space. At all. Yet maybe that’s where the growth is, where you not only learn about the other, but about yourself.

MELANCHOLY

I have a feeling of melancholy, I’m sad, a dull sadness type of sad. A cry in my car, dark type of sadness. A lump in my throat, constriction, I feel it and I hear it when I speak. It’s personal, weighing heavy, leaving me reflective. It’s right there, just below the surface while also so deep in my heart.

It’s a deep loneliness, at a soul level. Quiet but deafening. I sit with it. It’s uncomfortable.

I feel like a nothing, a space filler, an observer. Mute. Talking rocks the boat, so I swallow my words. For a while that’s effective, but over time it etches into my being.

Looking inwards the answers reflect back. I know my value, what I deserve, what I really need. My words go unheard, even when voiced. This causes me a lot of pain, a pattern of shutdown. I want to scream. Who will hear in the darkness and will the stars still twinkle?

So why talk when words fall flat? Sit in silence and contemplate. What’s my worth?

Melancholic. Sad.

FACADE

With a facade is dishonesty, to oneself and others. A facade acts as a buffer, a filter, a screen, covering a mistruth. It’s not a lie, a lie is deceitful, a facade is not, it’s an act of desperation to conceal hurt. A facade is a personal portrayal, a smokescreen, betrayal. Perhaps a protection technique to deflect judgement, to hold onto the essence, childlike.

Once cavalier, I’m now more guarded and careful who I allow close. I’ll maintain distance if intuition whispers. Distance will be felt by others, I won’t conceal it, I’ll keep it real.

If I allow you close, you’ll strongly feel it, with it will be fierce loyalty and a passionate, loving heart. There will be no facade, you’ll know it’s me, my truth, and I will search for yours.

Black sheep. That’s me. Always have been. With age and experience, I’ve come to accept and value it as a gift. In a world of white ones, there’s a loneliness attached. If the situation determines, I’ll keep things simple, avoid conflict, play the game, all the while silently scream on the inside. Then when there’s finally solitude, I relax, back to myself, taking time to regroup, recentre, rebalance.

I am real in a harsh world with people that are so often not. Some people cannot be deleted from my life, so I create a facade, a mosaic.

Then when I finally escape, I come back to me, my being, my values, my people. And with it, the most beautiful thing.

COMMUNICATION

When I consider communication, it’s a lack of communication, in-particular, silent treatment, that’s of significance to me.

I can’t do silent treatment. At all. I’ll never deliver silent treatment and being on the receiving end of it impacts me greatly. It’s most definitely a strong trigger point and here’s why.

I’d been on the receiving end of the silent treatment game for years. It was so ingrained that I came to expect it. I knew that one false move and that was it, silent. For days. It wasn’t an act of love, quite the opposite, it was calculated control, passive aggressive.

The aim was to claim power over me, my feelings were irrelevant. I was told that my feelings were just feelings and not real, that I lived in a fantasy-land. Gas lighting.

The result was confusion, isolation, rejection, loneliness and at times, despair. It attacked my self-worth and self-esteem, left me questioning and doubting myself, ate away at my core. I experienced dissociation and displacement. Brain freeze. It affected my ability to think and process and make sense of the world around me.

Others saw it in me. They commented on it, on my face and demeanour, that I had retreated and my mind was often daydreaming elsewhere. Escaping. Still I said nothing. I was ‘fine’, conditioned to not speak the truth, keep the secret.

My own speech was affected, words were withheld, swallowed, creating a lump in my throat that was audible when I did try to speak. I wondered who would want to hear it anyway.

I carry these experiences with me, they are historical but they had a huge toll. I identify it, I know the cues when this is triggered in my new life and I deal with confrontation immediately, resole problems and drama. I ask for communication, use my words.

Don’t ignore me or disregard my feelings, show compassion, talk to me. Communicate.

Finally, I will never go to sleep silenced. Everyone deserves a peaceful sleep. Including me.