ALONE

Starkly alone. Aching heart and a deep seated sense of dread. Isolated for weeks, if not more. Day one, hard, horrid. Silence, people stop, life is paused in a warped time-zone. I have never felt so alone in my life.

Feeling it, letting it sit, it tries to take hold. I’m quiet, contemplative, sad, deeply sad. Panicked, I want my old life back, the one where there was a future, options, excitement. This one has a sense of doom, spiralling out of control. Where does the future lie?

Time to reflect on what was and what is, time to plan for what is and what will be. Lots of time to think, too much time. Solitary, alone.

For now there is no choice but to bear it. Day one of a sentence I don’t wish to be fucking part of, but I am, so is everybody.

MELANCHOLY

I have a feeling of melancholy, I’m sad, a dull sadness type of sad. A cry in my car, dark type of sadness. A lump in my throat, constriction, I feel it and I hear it when I speak. It’s personal, weighing heavy, leaving me reflective. It’s right there, just below the surface while also so deep in my heart.

It’s a deep loneliness, at a soul level. Quiet but deafening. I sit with it. It’s uncomfortable.

I feel like a nothing, a space filler, an observer. Mute. Talking rocks the boat, so I swallow my words. For a while that’s effective, but over time it etches into my being.

Looking inwards the answers reflect back. I know my value, what I deserve, what I really need. My words go unheard, even when voiced. This causes me a lot of pain, a pattern of shutdown. I want to scream. Who will hear in the darkness and will the stars still twinkle?

So why talk when words fall flat? Sit in silence and contemplate. What’s my worth?

Melancholic. Sad.