Time has a value. People have values. What if someone else’s time allocation does not match your values? To consistently feel like you are at the tail end of someones priorities as time is moved around and you are expected to without question, adapt, is confusing, annoying and then gutting. It can probably be accepted for a while, but in time, feelings of frustration and neglect tear away at self worth.
Even worse is if communication is stonewalled leaving isolation and a deep feeling of despair. Choices made, leave a face slapping sense of reality and an understanding that there will never be understanding.
Stoney silence, a dark room and a sad heart.
selfworth
PRIORITIES
Priorities can be instinctive, a gut feeling on the order of how things should be categorised. Equally they can be a choice, a decision on which order to place emphasis. Being true to your intrinsic values will inform which priorities are to have focus which makes it complex when trying to understand why others place weight on certain priorities.
What does it say about you, your values, self esteem and self worth if you consistently allow yourself to be a low priority in either your own or someone else’s life?
That gnawing gut feeling of not being a priority in someone elses world is a daunting emotion to process, especially when you desire to be. It sits in the pit of your stomach, making you feel light-headed and sad. It can be set aside mentally and emotionally, however over time the cumulative effect starts to hurt deeply and eventually words need to be spoken.
Finding your voice is challenging when the preference is to avoid anything that might remotely feel or lead to confrontation. Part of my journey is to find my words and use them, not silence them, and my feelings, as I’ve done painfully in the past. Admittedly it will often take me time to speak out, as I question my feelings and thoughts, meanwhile suffering the consequences silently. But I’m starting to speak and I need to be heard.
If you find yourself on the receiving end of me questioning where I sit with your priorities, please know that I’ve felt sad and gutted many times and it’s taken a lot to speak. I hope you can listen and encourage me and then hold my hand, and carefully, gently, encourage speech and conversation. It does not mean that my thoughts are accurate, nor does it mean that you have done anything wrong, it just means that there needs to be a conversation about how to move forward lovingly. I’m only just learning to use my voice, please be patient and kind and talk to me so I can dream tonight xx
COMMUNICATION
When I consider communication, it’s a lack of communication, in-particular, silent treatment, that’s of significance to me.
I can’t do silent treatment. At all. I’ll never deliver silent treatment and being on the receiving end of it impacts me greatly. It’s most definitely a strong trigger point and here’s why.
I’d been on the receiving end of the silent treatment game for years. It was so ingrained that I came to expect it. I knew that one false move and that was it, silent. For days. It wasn’t an act of love, quite the opposite, it was calculated control, passive aggressive.
The aim was to claim power over me, my feelings were irrelevant. I was told that my feelings were just feelings and not real, that I lived in a fantasy-land. Gas lighting.
The result was confusion, isolation, rejection, loneliness and at times, despair. It attacked my self-worth and self-esteem, left me questioning and doubting myself, ate away at my core. I experienced dissociation and displacement. Brain freeze. It affected my ability to think and process and make sense of the world around me.
Others saw it in me. They commented on it, on my face and demeanour, that I had retreated and my mind was often daydreaming elsewhere. Escaping. Still I said nothing. I was ‘fine’, conditioned to not speak the truth, keep the secret.
My own speech was affected, words were withheld, swallowed, creating a lump in my throat that was audible when I did try to speak. I wondered who would want to hear it anyway.
I carry these experiences with me, they are historical but they had a huge toll. I identify it, I know the cues when this is triggered in my new life and I deal with confrontation immediately, resole problems and drama. I ask for communication, use my words.
Don’t ignore me or disregard my feelings, show compassion, talk to me. Communicate.
Finally, I will never go to sleep silenced. Everyone deserves a peaceful sleep. Including me.
BOUNDARIES
Boundary setting is most definitely not a strong point of mine. I can be a straight shooter but will often avoid setting boundaries to avert conflict. Situations escalate and then become too big to impose boundaries. Then there’s a decision, continue to participate or leave. Leaving causes confusion to the boundary encroacher as there is no awareness of a problem. My growth lies in setting firm boundaries from the outset that are apparent to others, so apparent in fact that they are crystal clear.
That gut feeling in my stomach when boundaries have been crossed, the feeling of frustration and that lump in my throat when I hang onto words, speechless. The lump in my throat is audible when I speak, it causes constriction, making breathing difficult. I’m determined to find my voice again, and use it, not hang onto words in an effort to keep the peace. I promise myself to find the best way I can to say what I feel in a kind and healthy way and that means finding my voice and courageously using it.
Self-respect. Self-worth. Preserving the essence of who I am, only allowing those worthy to cross that invisible line. Some will never accept my boundaries, some will be unsupportive, that’s with them. Accept my boundaries or move on. Ta ra.