Time has a value. People have values. What if someone else’s time allocation does not match your values? To consistently feel like you are at the tail end of someones priorities as time is moved around and you are expected to without question, adapt, is confusing, annoying and then gutting. It can probably be accepted for a while, but in time, feelings of frustration and neglect tear away at self worth.
Even worse is if communication is stonewalled leaving isolation and a deep feeling of despair. Choices made, leave a face slapping sense of reality and an understanding that there will never be understanding.
Stoney silence, a dark room and a sad heart.
despair
SECRETS
Secrets are for kids. If only that were true. Adults are bigger than kids, and sadly, so can the secrets be.
‘Secret’ sounds quite innocent, almost fun, something a little naughty but in a good way. Then there’s the kind of secret that really should be called another name, deception. Those types of secrets are an ugly cloud of deceit, dishonesty and disrespect. They are the kinds of secrets that grow and escalate, hurt people, hurt families and destroy lives.
Feeling the depth of despair after uncovering a secret of magnitude is unbearable. Life becomes pin prick tiny, simple, black and white. Your capacity to focus narrows, your world slows down to almost a standstill while the rest of the world continues at pace. It’s disorientating and alienating. Lonely. It casts black shadows on all of your life, outlines fade. Trust. Broken.
Once trust is broken that’s it. What’s left after that? Nothing. Yeah sure there’s the memories and perhaps lost dreams, but even they’re tainted, tainted with the darkness that secrets and deceit leave in their wake. I struggle to see how things can align again. Personally I would always second guess, it would lead to vulnerability and insecurity. Vulnerability can be endearing but insecurity certainly is not.
For the person holding the secret, they may build up resentment to justify actions, become critical, irritable and aggressive. That was certainly my experience being on the receiving end. Once revealed, there was denial and than attempts to rationalise the lies. The cover-up was worse than the violations, just.
So, secrets. Don’t. Just don’t.
COMMUNICATION
When I consider communication, it’s a lack of communication, in-particular, silent treatment, that’s of significance to me.
I can’t do silent treatment. At all. I’ll never deliver silent treatment and being on the receiving end of it impacts me greatly. It’s most definitely a strong trigger point and here’s why.
I’d been on the receiving end of the silent treatment game for years. It was so ingrained that I came to expect it. I knew that one false move and that was it, silent. For days. It wasn’t an act of love, quite the opposite, it was calculated control, passive aggressive.
The aim was to claim power over me, my feelings were irrelevant. I was told that my feelings were just feelings and not real, that I lived in a fantasy-land. Gas lighting.
The result was confusion, isolation, rejection, loneliness and at times, despair. It attacked my self-worth and self-esteem, left me questioning and doubting myself, ate away at my core. I experienced dissociation and displacement. Brain freeze. It affected my ability to think and process and make sense of the world around me.
Others saw it in me. They commented on it, on my face and demeanour, that I had retreated and my mind was often daydreaming elsewhere. Escaping. Still I said nothing. I was ‘fine’, conditioned to not speak the truth, keep the secret.
My own speech was affected, words were withheld, swallowed, creating a lump in my throat that was audible when I did try to speak. I wondered who would want to hear it anyway.
I carry these experiences with me, they are historical but they had a huge toll. I identify it, I know the cues when this is triggered in my new life and I deal with confrontation immediately, resole problems and drama. I ask for communication, use my words.
Don’t ignore me or disregard my feelings, show compassion, talk to me. Communicate.
Finally, I will never go to sleep silenced. Everyone deserves a peaceful sleep. Including me.