Day Seven - LOSS

I didn’t know her but she left her mark. A complete free spirit, an aura so big it drew you in. She was herself, knowing exactly who she was and she lived her life the April way, both quietly but with a glowing energy that surrounded her. She was the only person in the room, magnetic, all eyes fixated her. She was stunning, from the inside out, making you wonder how she became so complete.

On reading the news yesterday of such a freak accident, it seemed unnaturally wrong that she was taken that way. So adventurous, with monumental goals and challenges that she met head on. She’d travelled, casting a light on the world, doing more in her 35 years than all of us, shaming us for not doing more, wasting time, time that she didn’t know was running out.

She was uninhibited, challenging the norms, unaffected by what others thought as she knew herself so well. If there were insecurities, she explored them, then sought to understand and resolve them to make herself a better. To grow.

I am inspired by her and am going to take some of her adventurous and fearless spirit into my own life.

Thankyou April xx

1 April - 708 coronavirus cases in New Zealand, 47 new cases, 2 in intensive care

Day Six - GROUNDED

How to stay grounded when the whole world is literally, grounded. Planes sit still in uniform lines on the tarmac. Silent, solitary, grounded.

New Zealand has never felt like such an island, a safe haven. Isolated from the rest of the world, there’s a comfort in that. It makes me feel grounded.

As I sit quietly in lockdown, I feel freer than I have felt for quite some time. Feeling peaceful and grateful, I am calm in my own self with the knowledge that I am okay. I am not trying to control, this cannot be, I am relaxing with what is, whatever that might be.

Creatively, I feel more open, in contrast to being grounded, there’s a healthy artistic frenzy happening that has ignited something in me that has been asleep for a while. Dancing around the edges, I have not been my best creative self. I think I might be now.

Grounded in my ‘self’. I am in happy in the feeling of that.

31 March - 647 coronavirus cases in New Zealand, 58 new cases, 2 in intensive care

Day Five - LOYAL

To be a New Zealander has never felt so important as it does right now. Surrounded by water and protected from the world, New Zealand is the best place to reside, to regroup, to have respite. Not just presently, but post-lockdown, the gratitude for living here will continue.

New Zealand made art and design, locally made products, will surely be valued in an unprecedented way. Finally the appreciation that is deserving of talents that cannot be learnt, that are inherent.

As well as design, manufacturing may even return onshore, as we realise that increased expense is worth the tag of New Zealand made. ‘New Zealand’ will be the badge of honour for a small country that really can rely on itself. The country will grow up, continue to reference offshore but have a renewed confidence that the talent in this country is enough. More than enough.

With fierce loyalty, I believe we will see a changed New Zealand, one that places huge value on creativity and self reliance.

I for one am excited.

30 March - 589 coronavirus cases in New Zealand, 76 new cases, 2 in intensive care

Day Four - HURT

Unprecedented times, unpredictable actions, unprocessed hurt. Unspoken feelings, harsh but true words, communication nil.

With a wall as high as the sky and no way to connect there’s an inability to break through. Isolated and alone, with a heavy heart and a hurt soul, days extend long and painful.

A time to reflect and sit in stillness, to feel, to listen. Thoughts and feelings are painful but true.

Hurt, it hurts, a lot.

29 March - 514 coronavirus cases in New Zealand, 63 new cases, 2 in intensive care, 1 death

Day Three - CHOICES

Lockdown is not a choice. The decision has been made for all of New Zealand. However, reaction is a choice.

I choose to see the positive. On a global scale, the world has a break, both the ecosystems and environment, as well as the people.

On a local scale, pace is slowed, allowing time to relax into the new normal and space to use time differently. A reduction in huge daily mental load, thoughts are focussed on big picture and how to adjust and prepare for a changed world. I choose to observe, as though from a third party, my thoughts and feelings as they eb and flow.

I choose to get back to my sense of self and remember what it was that I loved as a kid, what ignited my passion. With renewed clarity, I can feel again and am looking forward to feeling the changes in my soul.

28 March - 451 coronavirus cases in New Zealand, 83 new cases, 2 in intensive care 

Day Two - HUNKER

Hibernating and hunkering down. Simplifying. Thinking.

Life slowed, mind racing, thoughts; too many of them. Pondered over, one morphing into another. Alone in headspace, some thoughts are confronting, they beg for a solution, play over, repeat and don’t let go. The others, glide magically, offer peace and contentment and a reflection on what was and what could be.

Simplifying life, redefining importance, letting go of irrelevance and surplus, leaving space for essence and a simple balance. Allowing time to deep breathe and let intuition and inner self shine.

Hunkering down, at home, a space I’ve crazily bowled through so many times before, all the time not seeing. It’s about perspective, some view it as a life sentence, I choose to see it as an opportunity, an opportunity to find the girl with the massive dreams that got lost in life. I am off to find me.

27 March -  368 coronavirus cases in New Zealand, 85 new cases, 1 in intensive care

Day One - ALONE

Starkly alone. Aching heart and a deep seated sense of dread. Isolated for weeks, if not more. Day one, hard, horrid. Silence, people stop, life is paused in a warped time-zone. I have never felt so alone in my life.

Feeling it, letting it sit, it tries to take hold. I’m quiet, contemplative, sad, deeply sad. Panicked, I want my old life back, the one where there was a future, options, excitement. This one has a sense of doom, spiralling out of control. Where does the future lie?

Time to reflect on what was and what is, time to plan for what is and what will be. Lots of time to think, too much time. Solitary, alone.

For now there is no choice but to bear it. Day one of a sentence I don’t wish to be fucking part of, but I am, so is everybody.

26 March - 283 coronavirus cases in New Zealand, 78 new cases